And Here I Am

Effectively, this is a train of thought set in motion because of accumulated reminders that this is the way it is. A blameless current reality that seems set to be the way of the future.

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And Here I Am

And so, here I am. It’s a harsh context to be in, if looked at in one light. The right light? What’s the value of an illusion, anyway?

Hey! I’m not rude. I’m not violent or cruel or … or most any of those other things-generally-thought-of-as-negatives. But I am not trustable. Anyone close to me knows. I’m iffy.

And I am not trustable for good reason. I am not useful for anything in any consistent, reliable way.

And that has knock-ons – even when I express my views, my thoughts, about big things or small things. Rightly, perhaps sometimes wrongly, but understandably, whatever I think falls into the same hole. They’re thoughts that aren’t trustable.

And so where I am is, in a sense, quite lonely. That’s fair enough. No-one else can be expected to know how my brain experiences life.

And in most regards I’m comfortable with my own solitude.

And yes, we’re all alone anyway. We’re born like it, we live like it and we’ll die like it.

But, most of us, we spend our lives trying to be connected to others, with others. We try and we imagine that, perhaps, sometimes, most of the time … we imagine that we succeed.

But if you are ‘studied’ (for want of a better word). Or, rather, if you are damaged for whatever reason and thus studied for good reason, then the game changes. Then your efforts to be someone trustable, someone that others feel they can connect with, will be judged accordingly. And your efforts will be shown up for what they are – failures in most regards.

And, for better or worse, I study myself too. With the same conclusions. (Is it daft to be able to say that am always my toughest critic? I don’t know.)

And so to sum up, for good reason and for want of a better phrase, I have no cards left to play the game with. And, also for good reason, no-one can give any of them back to me. Not in any meaningful way. I am without any real control over most aspects of my life.

And what am I left with? Fiddling with the inconsequential. That, and love.

And that’s fine. It is what it is. And I do know how valuable love is. Goodness knows, not by choice I’ve tested the love in my life.

But that leaves the lonesome me. What should I do in the light of that reality, that context I find myself in, however harsh it is?