I’m ending the day thinking about what I started the day thinking about. And, unusually, I thought about it during the whole day too.
None of it is good.
How do you get away from a nagging thought? Do you have a foolproof system, a method? I’ve never found one.
The limp thought that ‘tomorrow’s another day’ is all I have to focus on.
(I Can’t Escape) What I Can’t Control
Imagine you’ve an exam in an hour or two – an exam you’re nervous about. Very nervous.
If not an exam, an event you really, really wish you could duck out of.
Think how being nervous makes you feel – in your stomach, in your mind. Think of your heart thumping. How you end up distracted. Almost sick. Frustrated and brought down by the fact that you can’t get away from the looming inevitability of it all.
That’s how I wake up, for no reason, pretty well every morning.
This is post-crash. And even post-crash, initially this didn’t happen. In more recent years it’s arisen. Arrived. An unwelcome guest. Guest? Intruder.
There’s no reason for it. There’s no escape from it. All I can do is try to manage my conscious response to it.
It shrouds the start of the every day, but I can see my way through it.
All I actually know is that it normally goes away after a while.
I’d be a liar if I said I don’t sometimes worry about if it never goes away.
I try to keep that fear at bay by trying to not think about it; by only acknowledging it (if I have to) with convoluted but distancing double negatives.
Arguably … if this way of being has arisen X time after the brain injury then, perhaps logically, it will go away after X more time. At the very least, there has to be as much cause for hope as there is for pessimism.