I was just feeling hassled. Too many calls on my time, too many things to focus on. Simple feelings. Nothing new about any of it.
All that’s different is that I can handle less on my plate now.
But what’s also different, and something that’s arisen in more recent times, is that these days I can recognize when I’m at my limits. And I can call a halt. A halt to what I’m doing. And a halt to my own frustration.
And so today I can go to bed tired, but not emotional. I’m just tired.
Pieces of Peace
Quick to anger. A quick temper. I’m not sure either are accurate descriptions of me. I’ve always been prone not to anger but to frustration – with others, yes, but predominantly with myself. I rarely used to show it; rarely show it now. I’ve been called ‘laid back’ many a time.
I’m told I was easily upset when I was in the rehab ward, but that I’d readily lapse, revert, into peace too. The upsets were largely momentary, though I was often too confused to properly relax. Pieces of peace. At best, a confused and fragmented peace of sorts.
Where does that all come from? I’m not sure I can unearth any roots.
I recall another patient – brain damaged too, I guess – wandering the ward, looking into my eyes but only responding with the merest flicker, visibly befuddled but somehow not flustered, not panic stricken. This was not long before I was allowed to come home. Perhaps we had similar brain-states. Perhaps an odd, reaction-dampening confusion is a common consequence of brain damage. I can only hope we have a shared story of recovery.
Arguably … as they say, ‘The unexamined life is not worth living’. ‘Know thyself’ is a common enough phrase, although that doesn’t make it an easy to attain goal. What’s less obvious is that pursuing it can include discovering the limits to your knowledge.
And that’s fine. As an additional layer to be aware of, even the act of examining a freakish, perhaps short-lived, perhaps barely recalled episode in a life can in itself yield worthwhile rewards, however incomplete the recollections may be. Flawed fragments are nevertheless valid.