In Public Again

It’s obvious. Really, of course it is. But lying here now, I know I’ll sleep easy tonight. The day went well.

I think you, me, everyone. We all like it when we’re sure in our belief that we can look back on a day confidently. That we know there are no unhappy demons lurking. That retrospect is safe.

And the other thing I’m thinking about is that if you want to share myths you have to be confident that the people you’re sharing them with believe in them too. That they respect them. Will honour them. Even if the myths are flimsy. Perhaps especially if they myths are flimsy.

And that’s OK.

xxxxx

So my last thoughts of the day will be about commonality. We are all vulnerable. I’ll think about that, and I’ll think that this time, this day, I had enough resolve. I had more than I had previous years. And whatever happens tomorrow, that truth about today will remain.

In Public Again

In public. With good long-standing friends, not-so-long-standing friends, introduced strangers. Meeting up for a race day. Outside of my comfort zone – only experienced once before. Enjoyable in reality. Tense in anticipation.

With some of them, meeting up for the first time for six years. I don’t know if the endurance of friendships is remarkable or not. Perhaps all strong friendships will endure – if not regardless then nearly so.

I was tense beforehand. My crash was bound to be talked about to some extent – for all the right, good reasons. But sometimes recalling one or other aspect of it will tip me over – a little; a lot sometimes.

A danger with appearing in control is that you end up hiding that you’re not.

I don’t know what the triggers are, what’ll tip me. I don’t even know if they’re consistent. Indeed, I don’t know if I’m consistent.

As I write that down I realise I suppose it has to beg the question: why not? Why don’t I understand my vulnerabilities?

But is it vulnerability? To what? To whom?

I think perhaps what I’m worried about isn’t being upset (for want of a better word). It’s being upset at the wrong time, in the wrong place. And that’s just human, understandable.

And we will all have our triggers – things that will upset you. And yes, they probably can be variable.

The problems, the real problems, lie in the junk that comes with the word ‘vulnerable’. The foundation-less myths and groundless expectations. Perhaps the hardest thing is remembering the truth about vulnerabilities – namely, that we all have them.

And while it’s worth remembering that being invulnerable is a myth, it’s also worth remembering that myths can be convenient, helpful. Even if deep down we know the foundations are flimsy, sometimes even a shaky structure on top can serve to make the day-to-day bearable.